24 (& 2 days)
Hi again! I turned 24 on Monday. Reflecting on all these trips around the sun with Birthday Rituals Galore… I want to share some thoughts on aging and learning and becoming. It was so windy Monday night that I couldn’t light my candles to make a wish. Perhaps a metaphor for less wishing more doing…. Perhaps.
birthday rituals…
Watch Bridget Jones Diary on April 27 and eat popcorn and maybe drink a whole bottle of wine
Make myself a cake of some kind…. feeling pistachio I think
Journal & 24 things I’ve learned at 24
Nice breakfast full of things that bring me joy
Skip at least one class
Wear an awesome outfit (or 2 or 3)
Listen to music that reminds me of my mom and cry while taking a really long walk and contemplating all that I am and all that I once was and all that I will and will never be
Get the most expensive and ridiculous latte in the world from starbucks 4 FREE
Hear the voice of someone I love, hopefully
Look at myself in the eye in the mirror for 10 minutes
Buy myself a wonderful trinket
Have something deeply delicious for dinner
bday journal… joy in greif, greif in joy or something like that
it feels a bit like my whole life is wrapped in this translucent sheath of sadness. a glimmer of grief in all that i do. the joy still peaks through. you can see it’s shape and the colors are clear. but it’s distorted. blurry. it’s tainted by what never was and will never be. there’s a deep loneliness with each shiny new thing. longing shrouds. sometimes the shadow feels bigger than the thing itself and other times it’s so cloudy i can’t see the shadow at all or maybe it’s all shadow. actually, when the sun shines the brightest the shadow is the loudest. most defined. that’s how shadows work.
i miss her with every step i take. i want her to know me. i wonder if she would like my art. would she like the way i dress? would she come and visit me and laugh with me and tell me she is proud? would she know my friends by their name? i want to talk to her about music and movies and what i ate for dinner last night. i want to complain about my day and hear about that annoying guy at work. would she like the girls i date? would she like me?
every year on my birthday (since) i look at myself in the mirror for a really long time. i wonder which features of hers are now mine. i think about the pressure of being 21, 22, 23, 24 and carrying the face of someone who is no longer here. i see her eyes in mine. like if i look really deeply into them i can see her reflecting back or something. i think i have her nose. i think about what it means to die by your nose. i see the blood on the coffee table again. i picture her touching my cheek. kissing my forehead. winking at me before i give a big speech. i stopped wearing make up on my birthday because i know ill cry it off and also because i want to see the most pure version of myself. the version of my face that is most like hers. the face that she gave me in its purest form.
each birthday i get one year closer to out living her and one year further from remembering her. i get further and further from the version of me that she knew. i get further and further from the version of me that knew her. i drink this drink i invented when i was 19 and try to feel like that girl again. that girl who had a mom here on earth and things weren’t perfect between them, but they were getting better. i think about that last year a lot.
it’s my fourth birthday since, and i have sort of accepted that this is what birthdays mean to me now. i go through my rituals that make me feel close to her. i watch bridget jones every year on the eve of april 28th. i listen to her favorite songs that have become my favorites too. i walk into the weird mall and they’re playing her go to karaoke song so i just sit and listen and cry and cry and cry. i make runny eggs and decide that she would like the way i cook them. just like when she was here, my birthday is not mine. it’s hers. even more now.
24 things I’ve learned at 24
joy is my consequence. in spite of the hurt, and because of it, i find joy.
everyone was right about tomato soup and grilled cheese. so good
am i doing this because i want to or because i feel like i should? i’m okay with either, but want to know the answer
life is a lot less fleeting than i once thought
my ability to feel deeply is net good, even when it feels otherwise
i’m not naive, but i don’t like to let past hurt or the potential of future hurt get in the way of my current joy
okay, maybe i’m a little naive
but i think that’s sort of beautiful which is really naive
i think the world would be a better place with more dancing, duh
there’s truth in anything if you look for it
to miss someone is a beautiful thing
not caring is the lamest thing a person can do. care often. care deeply.
i am a world builder. my life can be whatever i want it to be.
i’ve never felt worse after going on a really long walk
i don’t need other people, but i want them
okay, i need them. i guess what i mean is i don’t need any one person.
things are simultaneously once in a lifetime and not at all precious
i think love (of all kinds) might be my why
i have a sort of magic ability to see beauty in everything
i actually genuinely really like an extra dirty martini. it taste like the ocean and if i close my eyes while drinking one i can feel myself drifting in the waves
there is something extraordinary about things being really amazing and really terrible at the same time
spring always comes, despite it all. i keep crying on my walks home because the sky is so blue it could swallow me.
i like to feel small, figuratively
i really like who i am
ARCHIVE
I have been going this “___ things I have learned at ___” thing since I was 20 (minus 1 year). Every year it is sweet to look back and read what I was discovering at different points in my life. When I read some of these things I cringe, others I think I am learning over and over. This is maybe my favorite bday ritual.
23 things i’ve learned at 23
every no is a yes waiting to happen
i have nothing to prove, only to share
i don’t have to know, but i don’t have to guess either
we are in constant cycles of unlearning to learn and learning to unlearn
that task you’ve been putting off for two months will take 15 minutes
there is no such thing as your “life’s work” it all becomes the work of your life eventually
the bartering stage never truly ends
to settle is not to fail. in fact, there is much to discover in being settled.
showing up is the first step, and sometimes the last, and sometimes the only one too
you can have all the figs. they will be ripe when you need them and rot when you don’t. or you can eat around the rotten bits. if the squirrels beat you, it was never truly yours.
your desire for originality is holding you back
i couldn’t save her from herself
it’s all research
i’d rather be brave than liked
gossiping is an act of anthropology
whether or not i like something doesn’t determine it’s value
throw the baby out the window (metaphorically, obviously)
it’s all in the transitions…. and timing
i think i want to start dreaming a bit bigger
i’m not sure what it means that i crave stimulation over stability, but i do. at least for now
you can only do as much as you can do
overthinking kills authenticity
maybe nothing is meant to be all mine
22 things i’ve learned at 22
you can start over
every version of me is living within me
the really good things in life are actually quite boring
“i love you” doesn’t have to be saved for the big stuff, say it often
maybe people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever
most of the cliches about grief are right
give it time
contradicting feelings can coexist without invalidating each other
i’ve likely never had an original thought and that’s okay. once you escape the desire to be original you open a lot of doors
i am not just any one thing, none of us are
more often than not, love isn’t enough
you can find wonder in everything
life imitates life
what you’ve been longing for has likely been here all along, but you’ve been looking in the wrong places
most people are faking it just as much as you are
your therapist is right, go on a walk
even the biggest messes can be cleaned up
healing doesn’t have to be aesthetically pleasing, healthy, or productive — most of the time it’s not
feelings are neutral, reactions to them seldom are
question your gut, she has the same biases as you
love isn’t as rare as it sometimes seems
you’re never going to find yourself, so don’t get so caught up in the looking that you miss out on who you really are
21 things i’ve learned at 21
My mom died 3 months before my 21st birthday. I’m still figuring out what I learned from that. I think the lesson of 21 is that it is okay to take a break and then return to something.
20 things i’ve learned at 20
sometimes things don’t work out between two people and there is no one at fault for it.
i don’t have to justify the way i want to exist.
humans are complex and contradictory by nature.
i don’t have to have everything figured out and it’s unreasonable to expect that of myself. it’s okay to be lost.
the past is a dangerous place when it is over visited.
unnecessary guilt helps no one.
liking who i am is more important than being liked by others
no amount of time warrants my forgiveness, especially when there was never an apology. it takes time to forgive especially when the other person has never truly shown remorse.
i can literally be whoever i want to be and do whatever i want.
i am the only permanent person in my life. there is no point in hating myself.
there is a lot of joy to be had in doing things by yourself
certain aspects of the human existence are universal and timeless
just because your plans changed that doesn’t mean you failed
there’s no right way to do your youth
there is no point in dwelling on what could have been
loving the person i am becoming is more important than loving where i am at right this moment
there are very few things in life that are permanent
my life has meaning separate from productivity and the consumption of my work
literature is the most intimate way to try to understand the human experience
very few things in life are black and white; the majority of our existence happens in the gray space
Here’s to doing. Thanks for being here!
